I still find struggle in getting through the day-to-day, coming to terms on living with CRPS. This week I met with someone from my insurance, because according to my current ability to complete activities of daily living (ADLs) I qualify for a caregiver. At 28 years old that is a hard pill to swallow. I had to spend to hours with someone from my insurance having to talk about things that one shouldn’t have to until they are in their later or ending years in life. Its a difficult thing to accept that a year ago, I could do things on my own, I didn’t need others to help take care of me but today, I need help even preparing my own meals. I wish I could say that every day it gets easier, but the truth is it doesn’t, if anything it becomes more of a challenge every single day. I wish I had a magic wand I could use to get my old life back. It may not have been the most exciting, but it was my life, and I wasn’t ready to just give it all up. So much of my days are just consumed with anxiety, frustration, doubt, fear over this disease. I wont lie, there is a part of me who spends so much time living in the future. A future where I’m in remission, enjoying life with Nate, buying a house, getting married, having children, etc. I want all of these things so badly. 3 years ago, my fears consisted of no longer having my father to walk me down the isle when or if I ever got married, now all I want is to walk down the isle without needing a wheelchair or even my cane. I want I want to rid myself of the need for pain meds and medical cannabis, so that one day I can get pregnant, to bare my own children. I used to think I had all the time in the world before needing to worry about the ability of having children, yet here I am 28 years old, terrified that I will never have the chance to.
I am sure that many people probably think I am getting “ahead” of myself when it comes to the things I stress about daily, in writing this I have only listed a view, I barely peeled back one layer. When you spend over 50% of your time, home alone with your dog and when you do get out its typically for medical appointments, it is very hard not to over analyze everything, its hard not to get sucked into your own thoughts. For me, one of the way’s I try to get past the negative thoughts, is writing but my favorite is when I get to spend my time dreaming of the future. What better way to keep myself positive, hopefully, motivated to fight my disease that to picture what I am fighting for.