We each have our own self-identified definition of what happiness means and how to achieve it. For some of us we loose what happiness means for us, and eventually loose the ability to achieve it all together. We begin to believe that we don’t even deserve to achieve it. We become complacent with living in a melancholy state of mind. Unfortunately over time the melancholy turns in to gloominess, and if you’re someone like me who struggles with CRPS, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety it becomes very easy to fall back into the melancholy state of mind. For me, over the for at least the past 6 months I have slowly slipped into this way of thinking.
Today was a great day, I went out to lunch with my mom where we got to catch up on so much and also talk about the things i have to look forward to and also the upcoming procedures I am anxious for. Then I went to the salon to get my hair done, and factory edge to get my nose and industrial pierced. Nate and I have had a date night and are now resting in bed watching “The Post”. As I lay here I can’t help but dwell over the fact that I got my hair done and that I got the piercings. I feel guilty for the fact that money was spent on me. I feel I don’t deserve this money to be spent on me. Even though these are things I want and have been wanting for quite some time and even though I hardly leave the house for anything other than doctors appointments, and the rest of the time I’m in so much pain I can barely walk, I feel like I don’t deserve it, I’m not worthy of the happiness and joy it brings me.
Then it dawned on me just because I have a disability doesnt mean I’m not worthy of happiness. Just because I battle CRPS, anxiety, depression and PTSD and go to therapt to cope with everything doesn’t mean I don’t deserve joy. Just because I cannot work doesn’t mean I dont deserve enjoyment. Just because I have a diagnosis that has the nickname “suicide disease” doesn’t mean I dont deserve optimism and a peace of mind. My health does not make me any less worthy, even though my journey may be different than others that doesn’t make me any less equal, any less deserving. If anything I’ve been doing a disservice to myself these past few months by allowing myself to be that way. Sitting here reflecting on life I’ve had a realization, while yes the dyeing of my hair and the piercings bring me happiness but when I do these things its not the activity of getting it done, that brings me joy its the feeling I get after the change, the boost in self confidence, a boost in self worth. Even though I am stuck on my couch or my bed most of the time, I need to find things that I am able to do that bring joy, that give me something to look forward to. My daily schedule currently revolves around doctors appointments, playing with my dog and watching Hulu or Netflix. My quality of live has decreased to an immeasurable amount. After spending so much time completely by yourself its impossible not to criticize the good parts of myself, and focus solely on the worst.
I don’t know when I will get back to my happiness, how I will find my happiness again but, I know I am worthy of it. I do deserve it. I may not fully believe it yet but I will at some point. My hope is that by reading this it could help at least one person. Help someone know that they’re not alone. Help some know they are worthy of happiness. If it could help just one person that’s good enough for me. I’m going to continue on my journey, fighting my battles, fighting for a cure and finding happiness.