“If you could sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to people you may never dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person”
Love, its everywhere. Love for yourself, someone else, for family, children, pets, inanimate objects. Love songs, movies, every aspect of entertainment. Love surrounds us everywhere we go, everything we do Love is always there whether we acknowledge it or not. Maybe you know how to love everyone, everything more than you can love yourself, or maybe you love yourself so much, that you become engulfed in the flames of your choices without thought to how your actions effect others. Each of us, we have our own self proclaimed definition of love, our own views of how love is shown. The worst part of love is you can’t have it without hate. Hate for yourself, for others; your family, the way things have turned out or the way that they didn’t.
You can try and deny it, say you don’t hate, but that would just be a lie. It doesn’t matter if you admit it to yourself, to others, to your God, or lack there of. We live in a world that is submerged with hate and with love. The only way to survive with a shred of dignity is to acknowledge it, accept it, conquer it, the only semantics that matter is that you can’t ignore it. It doesn’t matter if you ignore love, ignore hate; it will come chasing after you like brush on fire in the middle of a drought. If you don’t tend to it when the match hits the tinder, you risk loosing control before your whole life is up in the flames consisting of the choices you’ve made or the absence of the choices you didn’t.
I don’t pretend to sit here and say I have the perfect life, that I have embraced all of the love around me, and defeated the hate with in me because that’s the furthest from the truth. If there is anything that I have learned in life is that no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do things happen. I have 2 choices, I could continue down this road of pain, ignoring the things I can change and spend my life focusing on the things I cannot or I can either confront my demons with the intention to become the best version of myself.
Today, I find peace in knowing that I have chosen the latter of the two. I may not be able to control my health; with my foot, I have to trust in my doctors to find the answers and if they can’t I must preserver with the strength of knowing that even if they can’t find an answer, someone else can so I will have to continue to fight, for myself and the life I desperately want to get back. I am not pretentious enough to say that I have already done that. I am fully aware of the fact that through out the past almost year I have victimized myself more than I should have.
I sit here and think about all the time I have spent hating myself. Hating the fact that my body has betrayed me. Hating the fact that if my body hadn’t I could be further on in my career. Then I turn that hate inward, hating who I am, who I’ve become. An overweight, unhappy, depressed, angry, short girl, who where’s glasses and once got picked on. Hating myself for allowing it to go this far to get this way. Hating myself for thinking that my own problems are trivial compared to the “real problems” in the world, hating myself for thinking that things are so terrible when there are people who are sleeping in the streets, children who are in families with parents who abuse them or who abuse each other. Soldiers that are going to a war that should have ended a long time ago but didn’t, because as a nation we couldn’t or maybe we could have. Hating myself for thinking that my problems are bigger than everything else wrong with the world. Hating myself for thinking of how bad I have it when there are people who have so much worse.
I have become a victim of my circumstances by my own state of mind more times than I can count. The only thing that has brought me out of that is love. I may not know how to love myself as much as I should and I surely don’t show the love to those in my life, including myself as often as I ought to. I have begun to realize that just because my problems on the “grand scale” may be low, it doesn’t mean they aren’t big for me.
I know it wont be easy, I would be kidding myself if I said it was but something has to change. If I continue to focus on the hate, that I have for myself, the hate I feel others have for me I will continue down a rapid spiral diminishing any self-worth I have left and as a consequence I risk those who have loved me, supported me and helped me get through everything.
We live in a world where we are stigmatized for having mental health problems. Where if you have depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder, or any other of the thousands of problems that exist you are supposed to hide it, keep it to yourself, be embarrassed of the fact that you have trouble dealing with what your problems are. It doesn’t matter how small or big the problem is, if it has effected you, you have every right to acknowledge that it has, and get the appropriate help to move forward.
Maybe your like me, and you grew up with a sick parent who suffered from multiple health problems and ultimately died by the time you were 25 years old and through out years of struggling with coping you identified the problem, and maybe it required the use of medication to help because sometimes we all reach the limits of what we are capable of handling on our own. Sometimes it means you need someone to talk to, for others maybe its a pill that can increase your serotonin levels to help you get out of bed in the morning. There is an infinite number of ways and reasons you need help and options available to you.
At the end of the day its not about what’s wrong, what happened or why it happened or even how it is fixed, its about identification. Acknowledging that you are struggling mentally, emotionally is one of the hardest things that anyone can do because it is preserved as weakness. In truth there is nothing weak about acknowledging that you need some sort of help, its one of the strong yet difficult thing that you, I or anyone else can do.
I make a vow today, not just to myself but to my mom, my boyfriend, my best friend and all of the people who I care about to change. To take whatever steps I need to make to start fixing myself from the inside out. They have invested so much in me, given me the most important, and crucial currency known to man kind, Love. They have loved me through my glory and pit falls, I see no better way to pay them back by learning how to conquer my demons, and return the love they have given me in tenfold.
Until Next time….